The Alien spacecraft was taking me back to earth
It had been a remarkable ride
They had nabbed me while I was taking the garbage out
And they’ve held me ever since
Flying around the galaxy and visiting planets and meeting other alien creatures
Gunda was my companion
Gunda was responsible for me
Gunda took care of me
Now she was sad I was going back
One of her long black tentacles reached out and touched my lips
Another tentacle was stroking my hair
Another was holding my waist
And yet another was gratifying me sexually
This was a common scene played out several times during my adventure
She ( I don’t really know if Gunda was a she or a he or an it, it didn’t matter)
I just like to think she was a she
It has helped me get thru any feelings of guilt or shame
She made that guttering little laughing sound like a moped stalling
I think she was enjoying the moment
As was I
I could see earth coming into view
I could feel Gunda’s tentacles working my body like a finely trained masseuse
Some of her many eyes were looking into mine
Several others were jiggling about crazily
And yet others were staring off at earth
‘Oh Gunda I will miss you’
I whispered
And then I blacked out and woke up on my front lawn
Often I find myself staring up at the black sky
Wondering where Gunda was and what she was doing
And I go back inside and take one of my pet Octopus’s out
And continue to attempt to train them to do what Gunda did to me
Often with catastrophic or hilarious results
Am I a lucky man or a cursed one?
It seems it all depends on the mood of my pet Octopus…..

Driving down a lonely stretch of Afghanistan road
It’s a tough life but it’s a war and these are the things you do
We see a person walking at the side of the road
He’s carrying a load of goods on his head
Jeb up on top of the Humvee starts firing the 50 caliber
All around the dirt at the man’s feet sprays up
He drops his goods in a panic and he starts to flail his arms about
Just like they always do
And then he starts that funny panicky dance trying to avoid the bullets
And then he runs and Jeb keeps firing until the man stumbles and falls
Just like they always do
And then we drive on but not before Jeb yells out some ethnic slurs
Nothing really bad…fun stuff, just to let the guy know we were just goofing around
God it’s a good life being a solider
It’s moments like these that you’re glad you gave up your job working with the blind kids
And joined the army….

Christmas with the family was always interesting
In the old one room cabin
Deep in the dark dark forest
A good day’s snowshoe in
Dad loved the place
Mom hated it
She sat in the big chair
And fired the pump action pellet gun
Over and over again into the big fireplace
Sparks and chips of stone flew at every shot
Dad would start to drink or sniff gasoline
Then he would get out his old grey sweater
And begin swinging it around
And Thunder, our German Shepard
Would bark and bark
And finally get his teeth into the sweater
And Thunder and Dad would play tug of war
All around the cabin
Dad yelling out ‘Pull you bastard pull!’
Mom would then start shooting randomly around the place
Shattering glasses, pottery and picture frames
Then somehow Dad would suddenly became pant-less
And Thunder would be pulling at his genitals
And Dad would be yelling
‘Pull you bastard pull!’
Then Mom would scream
‘Frank! Not in front of the children!’
And my sister and I would start to cry
And we’d just cry and cry in the candle light
And watch the scene play out
It would all end when Mom would shoot Thunder
In the hind leg with the pellet gun
And he’d yelp and run to the corner
And she would do the same to dad
And he’d yelp and run to the corner
His lap a bloodied mess
And he’d start to laugh or cry
We couldn’t tell
A sad and pathetic sound
And my sister and I would still cry until we slept
And all would be quiet
Until the next night
When it all played itself out all over again
Every night
Until the holidays were over

T’was the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
That’s because Santa’s bloated corpse lay grotesquely sprawled across the lounge room floor.
Santa forgot to check under the logs in the fireplace for spiders and an angry poisonous Red Back gave him a nasty bite.
As Santa tried frantically to crawl back up the chimney, he quickly lost control of his movements
The venom sprinted through his veins
The all knowing symptoms of nausea, vomiting, blurred vision and frothing at the mouth were all too clear for poor fat Santa
His bloodied finger tips scraped at the chimney wall as he frantically called up ‘Donner, Blitzen….the anti venom kit!’
But it was all too late
Morning came.
The heat comes on early in the tropics and an old corpse gathers many flies quickly.
Little Lilly Spotsbam, just a toddler, walks into the lounge, her stuffed bear clutched to her chest.
The smell is horrific
Santa’s lifeless eyes stare blankly at Lilly
Lilly spends most of her childhood in and out of institutions and has difficulty dealing with people….especially during the Christmas season.