At school today the teacher asked the class if we had anything to ask before he handed out the tests
I put up my hand
‘Yes’ Cleff
‘Now’ I shouted

And all the students in the class rushed Mr. Hefflins and we tied him up and chloroformed him.

We had just learned about revolution in our grade 7-history glass
Now we are all sitting in class wondering what to do
Some kids want to take over the cafe and eat French fries all day
Others want to start a new world order
I just wanted to skip the test and go throw rocks into the lake
Mr Hefflins is starting to wake up
Wait until he finds out we took his pants off

It wasn’t my idea
But someone said it helps keep hostages more docile
I think Tony Porchino said that
He would, he has a mustache and some hair on his chest
Mr. Hefflins had on old dirty underwear
Yuck
I put the wet cloth over his face again
Now one kid is writing the word anarchy on the chalk board
He is spelling it with an ‘ie’ at the end
Another is writing the word poo
I think maybe revolutions are difficult

So then Tony put on Mr. Hefflins pants and walked out into the hall

Into a hail of gunfire

I rent a room in house with 6 other people
I like to get up early and stand in the shower until
all the hot water is used up

Then I go back to bed

I like to hear the others talking at dinner about
their dislike about having cold showers in
the morning

I always say ‘an early bird always gets the worm’ and then I yodel
And they always just look at me but never speak

I don’t know whether it’s because they’re shy or because I’m dressed like a cowboy

Dear Sweetheart
I miss you and the girls so much
The war is still going and it’s pretty hairy
Yesterday Corporal Ted Stonch blew up beside me
One of our guys put a grenade in the pocket of his flak jacket
It was hit and he blew up
It was just suppose to be a joke
When I was dragging his body to the morgue
I noticed he had a nice wedding band
I switched it with mine
It was nicer than the one you gave me
No one will notice
I hope you don’t mind
I miss home and our evenings on the front porch
Yesterday we entered a village and killed everybody
We painted all our faces in a grotesque sort of way
Just to scare the crap outta everyone
We just went around killing indiscriminately
It was like Wednesday night mixed softball only with guns and a lot of dope
That’s what I thought anyway
Can’t wait to see the girls, and actually see them walk
I’m in charge of interrogating a prisoner tonight
We’ve figured out he is really just a simple farmer
But we’re interrogating him anyway
You have to pass the time and keep busy
Tonight I’m going to use the car battery
Remember to tell Mom and Dad, I love them
They should get on email
I have to go now..
We’re going for quick reconnaissance and hope to blow up a few mosques and shrines and fire random rockets into civilian refugee camps
It’s our Thursday night tradition
Kind of like dinner at your mom’s only with guns and a lot of dope
Love you
Kiss the babies tonight for me when you tuck them in
I have a present for you,
I shouldn’t tell you what it is
But it’s made of human fingers and it hangs around your neck
Hopefully it won’t get confiscated before I get home
Hugs and kisses by the millions
Donny……

We sat at the table for two

Teesha was a beauty

We hadn’t ordered yet

I was just sitting looking at her

She was reading the menu

She then put it down

And she looked at me

She had serious look

I didn’t like it

‘I think its best we take a break for awhile’

She said

I felt like someone had just swung a huge pillow full of sand into my face

‘Pardon?’

I said

‘We need time apart’

She said

‘How long?’

I said

‘Maybe two or three years…then we’ll see what everything looks like’

She said

And she got up and walked away

I had never cried so hard in my life

I was sobbing

The tears just kept flowing

Then something extraordinary happened

Stanley, the waiter, he knows me as I’m regular came over

“Here, maybe this will make you feel better’

He said

He handed me a coupon

The coupon gave me a $10 off my next meal

I knew then that everything was going to be okay

With or without Teesha

I stopped crying and ordered the Papa burger, fries and a shake

Stanley smiled, he knew that’s what always ordered

Now I just had to keep myself busy for two to three years

And then see what Teesha thinks

I have this plan

I get a bunch of beautiful women and we are sitting around in a big room

Everyone is chit chatting and having fun

I jump up and yell ‘I bet I get all my clothes off first!’

And all the women start frantically undressing

I purposely make it look like I’m trying to undress but really I’m not

There is a lot of giggling..

Finally when they are all mostly naked I say

‘Oh everybody I’ve some nice cheese trays here and drinks’

They all come over and start eating cheese and drinking

There is a lot giggling and they are all still naked

We sit around for while and talk and I get some phone numbers

It’s a good plan…it’s just unlikely I’d be alone with any women at all

Unless it’s a hostage situation

Playing murder ball at recess is great
Throw that ball as hard as you can and hit someone
Yeah, murder ball
I suggested to the other kids that we play with a brick instead of a ball
Reluctantly they agreed
I put my knife away and started the game up
It was a bloody affair but spirited
A few teachers ran out to put an end to the game

The ferry came into view
It was crammed with holiday travelers
As usual Charlie was standing out on the pier, waving frantically
Many of the passengers waved back
As the ferry glided into port
Charlie stopped waving and pulled his trousers down
As usual the pier officers ran over and wrestled Charlie to the ground
Crazy Charlie

I share my bedroom with my terminally ill grandmother
My parents say it’s only for awhile until...until the end comes
Well it’s been three months and the end doesn’t seem to be any nearer
In order to save money my parents rented an old respirator
Sometimes at night it sputters and stops
I’m suppose to wake up and jiggle it so that it turns back on
It happens almost every night
It freaks me out
Last night I told my parents I was really really tired
Because i had ran a marathon at recess
Then I went to bed early.....
I heard the machine sputter some time late in the night
I didn’t move
That morning when mom came in I pretended I was still deep in sleep
Grandmother had passed on during the night...
While mom was boxing up the respirator
She told me not to be upset
‘A little boy like me must have been so tired after all that running’
That’s what she said
I wasn’t running at recess
I was stuffing toilet paper into the toilets at school with Chuck and Randy
Chuck and Randy are good friends to have cause they have been held back a couple of grades
they are coming over to the house today
We’re going to dress up in my grandmothers clothes and light some fires
I’m a messed up little guy

I’m on the school diving team
I’ve been known to do a cannonball
Or just run crazy off the end off the board
Instead of the required dive
It makes coach and the rest of team really mad

I’m just a bit of joker and I love doing cannonballs

At the year-end finals I had one jump left
If I completed it our team would move on to the national finals
I knew they thought I would do something silly


I walked to the end of the board
I knew that they all thought I’d really screw up
I bounced once and then nailed the dive

It was perfect

When I surfaced I saw the team was up and cheering
The stands were full and they were all clapping

I got out of the pool and the whole place went silent
I had removed my swimming trunks underwater

I walked naked back to my bench

Our team was disqualified

I’m not allowed near the pool
And my councilor thinks I need to take some time off

“Can anyone fly a plane?!’ the stewardess screamed
As she ran frantically down the aisle
I jumped up and yelled ‘I can’
And ran as fast I could to the cockpit
I don’t know why I volunteered
I can’t fly a plane
But something told me to do it
This was going to be my day to shine
A life time full of despair and depression
Would be wiped away in one day
This was going to be my moment
I sat in cockpit, the stewardess leaning over my shoulder
She smelled like the sea
The radio cackled ‘this is the tower can you hear me?’
I sat totally frozen in panic staring out the window at a limitless view of the sky
Another voice, ‘Is everything okay? I’m a pilot if you need help’
I started to cry, I couldn’t fly the plane…it’s huge you know
A man, let’s call him Mr. Adventure and part-time model
Pulled me out of the seat and pushed me out of the cockpit
I cried all the way back to my seat, who was I fooling
I would not and could not ever land that plane safely
Of course everything went fine
Our Super Pilot landed the plane beautifully
And I saw the stewardess kiss him romantically
I was still crying and I snuck out the back of the plane
Away from the press and fanfare
I was then coerced by one the baggage handlers
We had unprotected sex in a luggage container
I left the airport more depressed than ever
I’m never flying again………

The bar was full
People were talking and mingling
I leaned in close to the women beside me
She was dressed all in black
She had a mysterious look
Dark and erotic
I spoke quietly but with confidence
The tapes I watched and listened too were giving me courage
‘Have you ever tasted human flesh?’
I asked
It was a spontaneous question
I’m not sure why asked it
But the tapes said to just be natural and to be yourself
She turned and looked at me
Dark piercing eyes
‘Yes’
She answered without even one blink
‘How did it taste’
I asked now fascinated and terrified at the same time
‘Not bad considering the circumstances’
She answered looking me straight in the eyes
The urine poured down my leg like a flood from the mountains
She wandered off into the crowd
I left immediately
My socks were wet in my shoes
I think I needed more time to study the tapes and lectures

I’m on the school chess team
I was in competition and every time I took one of my opponent’s pieces
I put it in one of the little coffins I’ve built out of black Popsicle sticks

I then take the pieces and bury them after the match

Coach saw me burying them and he says I take the game too seriously

I told him maybe I did but then he didn’t know I was sleeping with his wife
So he still thinks that life is pretty good doesn’t he?

It was Christmas Eve
I was a little drunk and we had all the children sitting around
the big old fireplace
There must have been 15 of them

I was telling them that there was no Santa
They weren’t in agreement with me
I get pretty stubborn when I’ve been drinking
And I have a quick temper

I took out my pistol and fired 5 shots up the old chimney
It was in an effort to prove that no one could come down a chimney.

As I holtstered my gun a few of the children started to scream

I turned and saw blood dripping down the back wall of the fireplace
Then a large man in a red and black suit came tumbling down

It was Uncle Louie

He was going to surprise the children…
And surprise them he did

I left unnoticed via the back patio

I’m on the high school archery team
While practicing after school yesterday
The captain of the team dared me to shoot
an arrow over the roof of the school.

Practice was almost over
so I did it

Later when I was getting on the bus to go home
I noticed someone lying in
the bushes by the bus stop
They looked like they were asleep

Then I noticed an arrow sticking out
of their chest.
My bus pulled away so there wasn’t much I could do except enjoy my weekend

I’m on the school basketball team
I’m a bench warmer
Yesterday our team was up 100 to 20

So I thought I’d go over and sit on the other teams bench
Maybe cheer them up

I sat down and one of their players looked at me with surprise and said
‘what the f**&K do you want?’

I knew it then that he needed a hug…

So I hugged him

I think that’s when the riot started

I was bowling last night
I was bored with the simplistic rules of the game so I decided
The game would be more fun if someone ran back and forth
on all the lanes trying to block the balls from reaching the pins

And I also thought that person should be in their underwear

There’s a policeman outside my door

The doctor says that my ribs should heal in
two weeks and the restraints are for my own safety

The battlefield was strewn with bodies
It was carnage
I was surrounded by death…and so much to do
When I finished I looked back at my work
‘That looks better’ I said to myself
I put the lipsticks, mascara, little red rubber noses and eyeliner back into my carryall
And walked off into the night letting the jackals and crows feast