I came upon the accident

Two cars, badly damaged

I stopped my car and walked back to the scene

No one was conscious

One body was splayed out on the roadside

I noticed the shoes

They were cool and way expensive

I looked around, the road was deserted

I took my shoe off and measured it to the cool shoe

It looked the same size

I pulled the shoe off and put it on my foot

It fit so comfortably

I put the other one on and then put my shoes on the feet

I ran back and forth quickly

My shoes squeaking on the pavement

I love that sound

They were perfect shoes for me

I then noticed another body sticking out the windshield

He had a nice shirt on

It looked like it might fit me

I did the switch

There was a little blood on the sleeve but nothing really noticeable

I looked in the back of the car that was upside down

One guy had the coolest pants, I liked them

It was tough to do the switch because he was wedged between the seats

But I did it

I stood and walked around; I think I was looking pretty good

I heard sirens; the police arrived, lights flashing

‘Hey’ I said, ‘ I just came upon the scene, it doesn’t look good’

The cops started looking around

One came up to me, a female cop

‘It’s bad, no survivors…nice shirt and I like those shoes’ she said

She looked me up and down ‘I like the look’…

‘Thanks officer, I like your outfit too’

She smiled, crooked tiny teeth

I gave the cop my personal details, she gave me hers

And I walked back to my car and drove off

I felt good

I’d just have to find another accident before our date

So I’m not wearing the same clothes as tonight

Sometimes it’s just good to take off all your clothes

Dance around and howl at the moon

Really let it all out

You really should pick at good time to do it

Most likely a private time

Not at a funeral

Or a wedding

It tends to take away the attention

Of the people who should really be getting the attention

And also, it’s amazing how people are quick to press charges

When they see a stranger’s penis at a private ceremony

They say a parent

Can’t help but sneak in at night watch their children sleep

I agree

But the other night when I was standing over my son’s bed

Watching him sleep

His wife woke up and started screaming

Then he woke up and started yelling at me too

Then they asked how I got in

And I said that they should lock the second floor bathroom window

And they were lucky it was me who climbed in

And not Charles Manson

I then drove the 3 hours to get home

I haven’t heard from my son in a couple of weeks

It’s okay, I’m off to my daughters place tonight

I just hope she hasn’t changed the locks on third floor fire escape door

Or bought that German Shepard guard dog

That she said she would if I ever come over without calling first

I entered the Iditarod

It was a hasty decision but I entered

I arrived in Alaska with my team of dogs

And a plan

To win it all

On the first night it was really cold

And it was really dark

And lonely on the trail

And I panicked a little

I stopped

And ate all my dogs

After I ate the first one

I just figured I might as well continue

By dawn I was done

When the officials found out

They disqualified me

They were quite upset

So were the animal rights people

And they sent me packing

I’m on my way home now

I was thinking

My neighbor has a poodle

I’ve never tasted poodle

After the stress of those angry dog loving people

Screaming at me and trying to kill me

I’ll have something to look forward to now

I’m a spare on my high school swim team

I’m not a good swimmer but my dad makes me stay on the team

He says he’ll take the skin off my legs if I don’t stay with it

I feel neglected as the last member of the team

At the state finals our top swimmer was 10 lengths ahead

In his 200 meter swim

If he had won the race our team was going to be state champs

Our coach was walking up and down at poolside yelling and giving

Encouragement to Tad Williams, our human fish,

who was on his way to another victory

Our coach is pretty intense

I thought it would be fun if I twirled up my wet towel

and

Snapped it on the coaches ass

Unfortunately I snapped the towel too wildly

and hit Coach in the back of the head

He fell into the pool

Our team was disqualified from the meet

I’m on suspension.

But I’m not really angry or discouraged

I’m just more determined than ever to get back on the team next year

And next year I won’t snap a towel, I’ll go to tryouts in my mom’s bathing suit

I so wanted to impress my boss

If he just knew me better I’d get a promotion

I wanted him to know that I cared

Then my chance came

His twin brother died

The funeral was Saturday

I’d be there

I arrived quietly

Greeted a few people

Let a few fake tears fall

It was an open casket

I waited for my chance

I leaped at the casket screaming

‘Oh Bobby how could you have died….you’re too young’

I was weeping and tugging at his limp body

‘You can’t be dead, it’s just not possible’

And I started trying to get the body out of the casket

‘Come on Bobby, hold me and dance a little’

I was dragging him around

My boss would certainly know me now

He would be impressed at my dedication to his loss

Someone grabbed me, choked me actually

Which I thought was little heavy handed

It’s not like I was going to hurt Bobby

They pulled me to the back of the room

Everything quieted down and they returned Bobby to the coffin

I told them I was okay and settled

I noticed my boss looking at me

That was a good sign

Just as everything quieted again

I jumped up

Ran to the coffin

Threw an older woman down as she was in my way

I found out later it was his grandmother

And I started again

I screamed

‘Bobby..you can’t be dead’

I pulled the coffin off its stand

It fell on me with a loud crash

Once again I thought I was roughed up more than necessary

I was finally escorted out of the funeral home

I was fired on Monday

And then I realized my mistake

His name was Robbie

Not Bobby

No wonder they got so upset

I’ve always been a weak when it comes to details

I was driving behind a car

It had a bumper sticker

The sticker said

Jesus Love’s Me

I accelerated and smashed hard into the back of the car

The car lurch forward and then slipped off the side of the road

And fell down into the canyon below

I’m just guessing

But from the outcome of this little incident

I think he loves me more

I buried my friend today

A life cut short

A tragedy

I just wish he hadn’t yelled and struggled so much

When I was shoveling the dirt back into the hole

Because I didn’t want the neighbors to hear

I guess things started going downhill when my father was caught having sex with the mall Santa

You can live with fact the he got caught

But it’s hard to live with the fact

that I have one of those little Santa pictures that everyone has

Only mine has my father on Santa’s knee and he’s naked

And Santa looks very drunk and evil

The whole thing use to really scare us

Then we found out that Dad had syphilis

Now it’s just a big family joke

And we laugh every Christmas when we get the picture out

It was the coldest day of the year

The cemetery was empty except for the 15 clowns dressed in full costume

They were gathered around an open grave

Jud Dickson aka Zippo had passed away

His flaming body surprising the 20 five year olds at the party

Zippo had always loved his fire tricks but this time he screwed up

Being a clown isn’t always funny

The clowns around the grave all knew that

That’s why they all stared down at the casket in silence

Finally Charlie Doon aka Bouncy raised his giant banana yellow hand and said

‘I’m outa here boys, it’s too damn cold’

He clumsily turned; his giant sea blue shoes had frozen to the ground

Dave Judkins aka Mr Binkles spoke

‘There’s nothing to be done here boys, let’s ride’

Several crazy shaped balloon animals were thrown on the casket

Along with some colored confetti ,a few red noses and a slinky

The 15 clowns walked back to the 15 brightly painted Volkswagen Beatles

Jason Tooks aka Mr. Tappy threw his cigarette out the window of his car

and it began

They all started driving madly around the cemetery, knocking down gravestones and ripping up flower beds and shrubbery, horns blaring, music blasting

When a Clown goes down it’s hard

When it was over the 15 Beatles pulled out onto the road and drove off

into the cold night

Over the next few days several people were assaulted and abused and claimed

That it had been clowns who battered them

Several obscene balloon animals with large sexual organs were found scattered around children play grounds and seniors homes

Several fires were lit and clowns were spotted leaving the scene

Then it was quiet….the clowns were done….

My skates hit the ice

It was my first time

She said I should try it

She?

My new love

We’ve been together for three days

It’s been a whirlwind of passion and romance

We’ve ridden the whole roller coaster of love in 3 days

She sultry, she’s dangerous, she as crazy as a hungry sea otter at a wedding

One minute we’re giggling and running naked thru the meat packing plant

The next she’s screaming and beating me around the neck and head with a belt

I somehow loved it all

She wanted me to try skating

She wanted to watch me

I was a little nervous and my skates were a little loose

I was unsteady and I fell

It was a bad fall

My face hit the ice full on

I heard my nose break and felt many of front teeth shatter

But I wasn’t going to stop

Stenchka wanted to see me skate, and skate I would

I was bleeding quite a lot

I struggled up and started again

Two strides later I fell

Backwards this time

I felt my skull split when it slapped the ice

More blood, some dizziness

I may have been unconscious for a moment, I’m not sure

I looked back at Stenchka

She was smiling

Watching me with her dead puppet eyes

Where she was from I didn’t know

She didn’t talk a lot

Maybe from the Middle East, maybe from Eastern Europe

God I loved her

People were screaming and pulling their children off the ice

There was a lot of blood

I kept trying…just one lap

I fell again

My arm was twisted behind my back when I went down

It broke and I felt the bone break thru the skin

I cried out

I focused hard and waved to Stenchka

She mouthed the words

‘Skate my love, skate’

I stood one last time

I was hardly aware of where I was or who I was

I just wanted to skate for Stenchka

I must have fallen again, as my leg is in a cast now

My jaw has been wired shut, and I have metal pins in my arm

I never saw her again

As quick as she appeared in my life

She disappeared

But I’ll remember her

Her crazy laugh that sounded like a blender just before it breaks down

Her lighting quick temper and her tiny paw like hands

I just wish I hadn’t tattooed Stenchka on my neck

I think that may have been a bit premature

When our family vacationed to the Caribbean recently
I developed an interesting game
I realized that I could submerge myself and stand motionless for hours
Only my nose, eyes and forehead above the water
I would wait patiently until an Albatross flew over me
And then I would jump up and bring it down
Shake it a few times and then walk out of the water
and throw the lifeless body on a deck chair
Later I could do the same with porpoises as they swam by
Needless to say my family doesn’t vacation much in the Caribbean anymore
I’m pretty much blacklisted at most resorts
We’re going to Africa this summer
I’m excited about the possibilities

They say if a guy has big feet
He must have a big penis
I think that if a guy has little feet
He must have a little, but eager penis
That eagerness makes up for not being as large
As for me?
Due to a strange medical oddity
I have one foot size 13
And the other size 6
So you think about that
And call me…I’m always by my phone

The elevator came to a halt

We all stood in silence

I made my move

‘Okay, let’s not panic’

I spoke clearly and loudly

I wanted to be leader here

To be understood

‘We’re going to have to make decisions and make them quickly’

I loosened my tie and pulled it up around my head making a headband

I pulled out my pocket knife and cut my casual slacks into shorts

‘Listen up, over there will be the latrine, over there will be our sleeping area’

I was moving about the elevator, I was cooking, I was at maximum volume

A man on a mission

‘Cowboy’ I said pointing to a young handsome man

I nicked named him ‘Cowboy’ because I wanted to give everyone a nickname

It sounds cool and leaders always give people nicknames

My nickname at school was ‘Feces’ but that’s another story

‘Stand over there and check the food situation’

‘Oprah, see if you can round up things for a shelter’

Oprah was an older lady who looked like she had had weight issues all her life

‘And you, Madonna, we need to talk’

She was beautiful, yet strong, yet subtle, yet dangerous

I stood and looked her straight in the eye

I was only going to get one shot at this

‘It’s our responsibility to ensure the human race continues’

She held my stare

‘We don’t have time to get to know each other…we must procreate now so our children can tell the others the story, they’ll need hero’s in the new world’

Her lips were so full and her hair smelled of freshly cut watermelon

‘Everyone else, look away, Madonna and I have to do this before we’re too weak’

I ripped off my shirt, closed my eyes and leaned forward to kiss her

The mace was warm on my face when it hit but I opened my eyes in surprise which I shouldn’t have done

The burning was intense

I fell to my knees screaming

Suddenly the elevator started moving

The doors opened and my fellow captives quickly left

I was still in agony on the floor

Later, after being questioned by buildings security staff

I thought about what I had done

Was I proud of myself?

Did I do the right thing?

Those questions are too difficult for me to answer

So I went home and drank myself unconscious with some liquid plant food

I wanted to end it all

The pain, the humiliation

The desperation that haunts me everyday

I ran out on the street

Unfortunately I threw myself in front of a SmartCar

Both the driver and passenger were killed instantly

I walked away and then went and had lunch at the mall

I then caught a movie and went home late

The area was taped off and the police were still on site

I got ready for bed but had a bath first because my back hurt a little

Tomorrow I’ll try again….

‘OH YES’ I said enthusiastically at my interview in response to the question about accepting responsibility
‘Certainly’ I almost shouted when asked about being trusted
‘Most certainly, absolutely’ I happily chirped when asked about my ability to work on the occasional weekend
‘You bet’ I cried out almost jumping from my chair when they asked me if I could start immediately
‘What, say again? I asked when they asked me if I had served any prison time
‘It was long time ago’ I said assertively and with confidence
‘OH it was nothing really’ I said beginning to perspire
‘What I mean is that it was during my drug phase’ I said before I knew I had said it
‘I could tell you what I did, yes…but it’s really not necessary’ I said rubbing my hands along the edge of my new suit trousers that now seemed very itchy
‘Really it’s not relevant, it was long time ago’ I said sipping my glass of water and spilling some down my chin and onto my new tie, the embroidered flock of pelicans taking no notice.
‘Oh come on’ I said trying to control the tone of my voice
‘Alright..you have to understand it was accident and remember I was under the influence of drugs and alcohol because I’d just told my step mother that my uncle had molested me when I was a kid’ I said now really not sure of myself and where the interview was headed
‘The weasel brothel owner said I’s was 20 bucks short and he put a couple of his stoolies onto me and I kicked one of them unconscious and stuck one with a rusty knife’ I said realising I had gotten up and showed them my kick and how I’d swung my hand up in a mock knife thrust…I put my hand down and sat quickly….. I don’t think they really noticed the anger in my eyes..I’s got a bit of a temper…
‘But that’s all behind me now’ I said as I noticed two of the interviewers closing their folders, I guess they didn’t get all that upset about the brothel incident like I thought they’s would
‘Ok you’ll call me….when will you’s call me?’ I said as they led me out the door, my new shoes were squeaking when I walked..the guy shook my hand and smiled and said they’d be talking to me soon
Outside in the sun I loosened my tie and lit up a smoke… ‘got that one in the bag’ I thought to myself and I walked towards the centre of the city and back to my mates at the bar………………..

Cheerleading, that’s where it’s at
I joined hoping to meet some new friends and some girls
It was time for me to expand my horizons
At tryouts I gave it my best
I yelled so much I lost my voice
I jumped and danced so much that I think I broke some ribs
I thought that a more heavy metal gothic theme would be a nice change
When I chain sawed a mannequin into pieces and stomped on it
I realized I was way off the mark
And when I pierced my nipples with hoop earrings
And sang ‘death to those who stand before us’
I knew I’d never get on the squad
And when I threw the live chicken into the fan blades
I knew I had crossed that line between sanity and insanity
But at that point I was just having a good time