Volunteer
The Sergeant yelled out that he needed volunteers
The last few days the enemy had been attacking on all fronts
It had been rough
I figured the Sergeant wasn’t looking for volunteers
To go get ice cream or to come up and get tickled
That’s when I usually volunteer
I love getting the guys ice cream
And I love being tickled
I’m first in line for those activities
Especially if the tickler is female and has a gymnastics’ background
So this time I faded to the back of the group
Badock, James, Louis and Dank
All put their hands up and stepped forward
Sergeant took them and off they went, out into the dark smoke
We never saw them again
Rumor was they were ambushed and all killed
I volunteered to go through their personal stuff
I was at the front of the group on that volunteer call
I got a nice watch from Badock’s stuff
A cool t-shirt from James
Some extra rations from Louis
And a pair of boots from Dank
I divided the rest of their stuff amongst the troops
I figured I made the best of a difficult situation

Anorexic
She was a beauty
All 78 pounds of her
An anorexic bulimic beauty
We met when she sat beside me at school
I leaned over and said
‘Hello fatty’
She smiled and the smell of a recent vomit washed over me
It was obvious to everyone that she had weight issues
I sat eating my donut
She watched me take every delicious bite
I took my time
I let her lick chocolate off my fingers
Then she ran off to vomit again
We were officially in love at that moment
We met after school
She walking towards me
Her wispy little legs barely keeping her up
Her skin pulled tight on her bird like bones
‘hello my little chubby friend’
I said quietly
Her smile was so precious
It took almost all her strength to muster it
Her teeth stained with laxative powder
Her hair smelling like the beard on a mall santa
We were inseparable after that
She loved me as I saw her as she saw herself
As a little fat chubbo cheeked beauty
I nicked named her ‘Fatshe’
When I called her that she always giggled just a little
I would take her skin (what little she had) and pinch it between my fingers
And say ‘Whoa! You are really packing it on these days FatShe’
When she was in the hospital
I would visit
Telling the nurses I was bringing her food
I’d give her a muffin laced with stool softeners
After eagerly eating the muffin
We’d smile as we’d watch her monitor register her irregular heart beat
Was it a destructive relationship?
Who can say?
She passed away
It only took two people to carry her coffin
Gone, forever
But now I’ve met Denta
She has a passion for plastic surgery
We’ve been together now for over a year
She thinks she looks great
She looks like a frightened cat, even when she sleeps
When we are looking at celebrity magazines
I always like to say ‘you’d look good with a chin like that..’
And she would start researching
My encouragement, my support always there
Denta thinks if she can just change one more thing
Everything will be fine
And she’ll stop
I know that’s not possible with her
That’s why I love her
I’ll be there beside her until the last procedure is done
And I’ll tell her she looks beautiful
When really she’ll look like someone right out a science fiction movie
Love is just kooky sometimes

Baby Pup

The veterinarian first looked concerned
Then he looked confused
Then he looked disgusted
I on the other hand
Was in a dreamy lovescape of happiness and pleasure
Scrunchie my Corgi dog and life joy
Was struggling but doing well
Her cries were consistent with the difficulty of giving birth
When the complete body was successfully extracted
I let out a cry of joy
Cheyenne was brought into the world
Our little Cheyenne
The vet was visibly disturbed as he stepped back
And let Cheyenne and mother share a moment
Scrunchie licked at Cheyenne
The vet went to the phone
I looked closer and took the beautiful moment in
Cheyenne a puppy…yet not totally
Small human hands where her front paws would be
Small human legs where her back legs would be
It was wonderous
Cheyenne let out a little squeal
Human words maybe?
No…
Love can only perform so many miracles
I stroked Scrunchie’s little ears
She licked my hand
That was all she could offer of her love right now
Exhausted from the ordeal
But I knew her love was still there, as strong as ever
Now I’m sitting in the waiting room
There are police and more vets around
And some animal rights activists
And the press
They are all seem agitated and alert
I heard a vet say ‘he’s a nutbar’
And I figured he must be referring to the activist
Who had screamed ‘you’re a sicko, a monster’ at me earlier
So now I wait
They won’t let me see Scrunchie or Cheyenne
Scrunchie should be taken out for her walkies about now
It’s times like these when you wish you had your suds machine with you
Because when you turn that on everything is suddenly happy
Everybody is happy when running about in soapy suds
And then when everyone would be dancing around in the suds
I’d retrieve Scrunchie and Cheyenne and go home
Because I can’t wait to see little Cheyenne
Down at the park
Running free on those oh so unique legs

Swingers Party

My wife and I didn’t know it was a swinger’s party
I was looking for the bathroom when I opened the wrong door
There to my surprise were Sandy Wise and Duncan Davis
On the lounge room floor in the position my wife and I fondly refer to as
‘The broken Ferris wheel’
And behind them twisted in amongst the art deco furniture
Were Mary Soudan and Marty Hillsdale
In the position my bowling buddies and I like to call ;
‘Stop the rain’
I was shocked
I was now concerned
The night was still young
I closed the door
I was not a swinger
And although my wife and I had a healthy sexual relationship
It was always in private
And I never had the heart to tell her that
I could only perform if Geronimo our German Sheppard
was licking my toes at the end of the bed during our lovemaking
It was unlikely that tonight things were going to be in private
And unlikely they would allow me to go home to get Geronimo
I passed Shirley Tate, the local crossing guard
She was wearing nothing but her reflective vest
I smiled a nervous smile
She licked her lips and waved her little yellow flag across the front of my trousers
I quickly ran and found the bathroom and locked the door
My options were limited
Go back downstairs and just wing it
And hope that someone would lick my toes when it came to ‘game time’
Or start a fire and burn the house to the ground
And never go to a neighborhood party again
When the fire trucks left and we said our goodbyes
I realized that I was a swinger but a different kind of swinger
I was a man of action an action swinger
I needed to get out a jam and I did
And when we got home and retired to bed
I left the bedroom door ajar, just enough for Geronimo
To be able to get in when I needed him

Kinds of Nudity

There are two kinds of nudity
The good kind
That is when you are nude and maybe just by yourself
Or maybe you are showering
Or with another consenting adult
And there is no financial transaction
That is good nudity
The bad kind is sometimes debatable between people
Like if you are nude and in the reclined position
And there is a litter of Lab puppies
Using your body as a playground
Is that bad nudity?
I guess it is if you are found in this state
By your neighbors’ in the their basement
When you thought they were out for the day
They certainly think that it’s bad nudity
And so does the police officer and he isn’t looking to happy
And he won’t give me my pants back
So now I’m dealing with uncomfortable nudity
That’s a whole different kind of nudity!
Life is really complicated isn’t it?

Chicken Wings

She was everything to me
My air, my water, my food
Then we went to the chicken wing place with her old friends
I hadn’t met them before
They were a boisterous group
And Stanley, her old boyfriend was there
When he looked at me from across the table and asked
‘Hey Chief, you like your wings hot?’
I looked over at her
Her eyes were telling me to be strong
‘Yeah. The hotter the better’
I said trying to sound tough
I never should have said that
I should have got up and run
She didn’t know about my sensitive stomach
Or my attachment to stool softening products
‘Order the Volcanic Express Wings’
Stanley yelled
The place went quiet
Everyone looked at our table
‘Bring’m on’
Stanley yelled again
The waitress with the thalidomide arms
Ran over, started ringing a bell that hung over the bar
What had I got myself into?
Stanley came and sat beside me
‘Let the games begin. Let’s see who can eat the most eh Chief?’
He slapped me on the back
I sat in silence
She looked at me and smiled
And she scrunched up her crooked nose
When she did that I was filled with love once again
I had to do her proud
The bell kept ringing
Her little tiny arms pulling and pulling
The wings came
I feel their heat even before they reached the table
A plate for Stanley
A plate for me
‘Time us…5 minutes…who can eat the most’
Stanley was licking his lips
Go!
I picked up the first wing and jammed into my mouth
It wasn’t so bad
Gobble Gobble Gobble
One down and I’m thinking ‘what‘s the fuss?’
I’m half way thru the second one
And things start to happen
I’m beginning my third
My eyes start to water
I’m into my fourth and fifth
Gobble Gobble Gobble
Now everything is on fire
My lips, my tongue, my throat
I can feel the sweat dripping down my forehead
Everyone is yelling
The bell is still ringing
The madness continues
Even my fingers are burning
The fire keeps going down further
My esophagus and into my stomach
She is watching me
Loving me
Knowing I’m doing this for her
She doesn’t realize my stomach is weak
From years of worrying and tension
I feel a tiny bit of blood seeping from my left ear
I continue to eat
Gobble Gobble Gobble
I can feel my stomach filling
I can feel the fire burning me from inside out
I feel the stretching of my stomach wall as it weakens
The burning chicken acid boiling hot in my intestines
I’m over twenty wings now
And still eating
The waitress with thalidomide arms
Is still making the bell chime
The sound makes me sick
My stomach finally bursts
No one but me knows
My stomach wall has a hole in it now
Volcanic Express Chicken wings are now floating about
In my body cavity
Burning up every internal organ they touch
I’m going to die
I know it
I put my head back gasping
My mouth open wide
My lips and chin stained red
I look at Stanley
He’s hurting but smiling
Gobble Gobble Gobble
I’m starting to loose consciousness
My internals are ruined
I’ll be eating thru a tube for the rest of my life
More wings
I feel the wall of my stomach rip more
A bucket full to the brim
Spilling out chicken wing fire
I focus hard and look at her
She is looking at me
Sensing something
Sensing that maybe I’m not as strong as she thinks?
I eat more
I’m two handing them into my mouth
I hear someone yell
‘He’s bleeding from his ears!’
‘Oh yeah honey, you should see what my insides are doing?’
I want to say but I can’t
I’m beyond help now
Gobble Gobble Gobble
The fire has raced right down me and thru my intestines
I am at point of no return
Someone near me says ‘Something smells weird?’
No kidding Sherlock
I think to myself
You’d emit strange smells if you were eating hot lava
How much more time?
Gobble Gobble
Some of the juice dripped from my chin and onto my lap
I can feel it burning thru my jeans and onto my privates
The crowd was screaming and the bell was still ringing
This was my Vietnam
My Afghanistan
My Titanic
Suddenly hands reach out and take the bowl of wings away
The same is done to Stanley
It’s over
I stand up and barely able to concentrate
I stagger towards the door
I see a few bartenders wrestling the thalidomide bell ringer
In an effort to make her stop pulling the cord
I reach the door
And burst out into the night
I awake weeks later in the hospital
Alone…uncomfortable
Tubes are running out of me in every direction
Then I realize tiny little hands
Are pushing the hair from away from my eyes
Tiny little hands of someone who knows about discrimination and hardship
I’ll be alright
Love can overcome anything
Even Volcano Express Chicken Wings