Yesterday I was out walking with my toddler
And we came upon a Rottweiler in park
My toddler immediately pounced on the dog
And thrashed it within an inch of its life
Of course the dogs’ owners were very upset
I may have to put my child down

Dear Susan
I hope this letter finds you well.
I just want to apologize for my behavior
I really thought our weekend at the little cottage
Was going to bring us closer together
I’m sorry about the little misunderstanding by the lake
I was just a little excited as I’d never spent a whole morning in my pajamas
And when you started running along the shore I thought you wanted me to chase you
And when we were wrestling I thought it was kind of like a role play game
And that it was a prelude to some sexual stuff
So I’m sorry about that
And I’m also sorry about the remarks I made about your job
I sometimes get a little mean when I’ve been drinking
It’s just that I’ve never dated a Ferris wheel technician before
And sorry for waking you up
I didn’t think I would have a ‘night terror’ episode
I should have told you
I usually don’t have them unless I’ve been really angry or used my num-chucks
right before bedtime
Good thing you moved or someone would be reading you this letter in the hospital
And don’t worry about my little ‘road rage’ thing on the way home
I haven’t done that in years
And there won’t be any charges
But lucky for me we exchanged addresses for insurance purposes
So I can get back at them in due time and not be suspected at all
So call me
I like to try once more
And I promise promise promise I won’t
Do that thing where I ask you punch me in the face as hard as you can
Love Trevor