It was Klaus’s grandmothers’ funeral
She had been a wonderful woman
A beacon of light amongst the ‘shit’ of the world
Klaus’s dad once said
The funeral home was packed
Klaus and I sat side by side
Klaus had been close to her
But Klaus and I had made a pact last year
It was an oath that we swore on until our deaths
The deal was that whenever we were together
And we heard Michael Jackson’s song Thriller
We had do the dance from the video
No matter where we were
You know the one where they are all zombies
We practiced for days so that we knew it by heart
Everyone was quiet at the funeral
Staring at the open casket
Then someone’s cell phone went off
The ring tone was Thriller
Klaus looked at me
A look of panic in his eyes
Then his faced changed
It was the understanding of our oath and what it meant
We stood
And we danced the Thriller dance
We ‘do be doo be dooed’ the melody and zombie danced
No one knew what to do
The cell phone wasn’t even playing anymore
It was just us dancing beside the coffin
And everyone watching
We finished and sat down
We were both calm as it was something that had to done
I didn’t see Klaus for a few months after that
Some say he went away to camp
Some say he was sent to the army
Some say he went to a special hospital for ‘funky kids’
My guess was that Klaus must have fallen and bumped his head after the funeral
Because now he has a big scar that runs across his forehead
Now Klaus just stares at the trees in his back yard
And he drools a lot
Looks like I’m on my own next time I hear Thriller!

I’m a battery just off the shelf
I’m fully charged and ready to power
I’m an eagle soaring over the mountains
I’m a bullet shot from a gun
I’m a super hero who can’t be killed….
I’m all that I want to be….
Being all that I can be is really being
I am all that I want to be
And be that as it may I’m really trying to be me
But being me is hard
But it’s still all me
Now I’ve confused myself
Talking about being me and all that I can be
And I’m standing in the sink
And the dog is barking at me from the kitchen floor
And the dog is wearing a bonnet that I think I put on it earlier
When I was playing a make believe game I made up
Where the dog was my girlfriend and I was solider back from the war
With a terrible secret to tell
But Tawny (my Terrier/girlfriend in the bonnet) just wanted to dance and not listen to my terrible secret
So Tawny and I just danced around and around the kitchen
Me holding her two front paws like I would a young maidens
Her bonnet so beautiful in the afternoon light
I can’t remember what happened next but I think I insisted that Tawny
Listen to my terrible secret and I think I shook Tawny a bit
And she bit me…..and I got scared and jumped into the sink
So that’s my day…..I guess I’m not really anything
But a complete loser standing in the kitchen sink

You know that Youtube video
The one where they get four cell phones
Put a kernel of popcorn in between all the phones
Then simultaneously phone the cell phones at once
And the kernel pops!
Well we did the experiment with Klaus
We put his head in between the phones
And then made our calls, 15 of us
And 15 phones all around Klaus’s head
Klaus was laughing and laughing
So were we
We had all had a little too much to drink
Then I noticed a little trickle of blood
Coming out of Klaus’s ear
He was still laughing
Then he pretended to be talking in tongues
I wasn’t sure he was pretending
And then his nose started to bleed
The phones kept ringing
His eyes got all bulgy
He looked worried
And then he passed out
We were all really scared
But Cindy phoned her dad
He knows some people who harvest organs from people declared brain dead
And they sell the organs to a business conglomerate in Latin America
So the whole night was less of downer than we thought it was going to be

The tornado was close
It was coming straight for our farm house
It sounded like ten locomotives coming up the driveway
Klaus suddenly appeared beside me
He was dressed in his Hawk suit
Especially designed for a day like this
Klaus had been working on it for months
‘We should get to the basement now Klaus’ I said
Klaus just smiled and opened the front door
He was sucked up into the darkness before I could blink
We never saw Klaus again
I found his feathered Hawk shoe about a year later by the old well
I picked it up
And I started laughing
A deep hardy laugh
Like a bear would laugh if some other bear told him a good joke about a dear or something
When I finished laughing
I got up
I pictured Klaus in the stupid Hawk Suit
Spinning around the in wind
And wondered why I ever even thought of Klaus as a friend at all

I wrote her a love letter
It was beautiful
It took me weeks to finish
I thought she would love it
Even the parts
Where I smashed up Kendrick, her boyfriend
I made all those parts rhythm
There are only so many words that rhyme with stab and gouge
But I think I used them all
I used a lot imagery in the poem
Cause I couldn’t just say I wanted to have sex with her
So I talked about trains and tunnels and badgers scampering in and out of their nests
I think she’ll get it
And not be afraid
I hope she doesn’t show it to Kendrick
(Can he even read?)
If she reads it to him
He’ll kill me
Especially if she reads the part
About what I’d do if she let me hold a pair of her underwear
Tomorrow in first period I’ll see her
I wouldn’t be surprised if she comes right up and kisses me
And we’ll be together forever
And we’ll ride away after school
On Boomerang, her blue metallic colored unicorn
And I’ll be wearing her underwear as a bandanna as we fly away
Just like it said in the poem

Klaus came home from the doctor
He wasn’t very happy
His mom was crying
He told me he had tumor in his head
The doctor said it was as big as a lemon
It wasn’t good
We sat in silence for a minute or two
I said
“At least it’s not as big as an orange’
He smiled
Then I said
‘Or as big as a grapefruit’
And he giggled a little
Then I said
‘Or a watermelon’
And then the two of us really laughed
And we went thru all the food groups
Just imagining his tumor being different food sizes
And laughing and laughing and laughing
Then Klaus went quiet
His eyes rolled back into his head
And he collapsed
He lay totally still
I waited a minute
It was weird and way too quiet
So I left and went to the mall
And wandered around looking at food

I was always one of those kids
That phoned their parents
Whenever something new or good or exciting happened
That all ended when I was leaving the trailer park
And I phoned them and said
I spent my Christmas money on a dirty old prostitute
I don’t talk to my parents much anymore

I loved this superhero
I found the comic book lying by the curb one day
He was kind of an alternative superhero
Not as popular as Batman or Superman
But he was an awesome superhero
He had one problem or weakness, all superhero’s do
He had to masturbate in order to release his superpowers
He could fly, he was super strong, he was fast as fast
The only problem was that if he had a busy day
He sometimes would call it quits because he was too tired
To bring on his super powers
And so some villains would get away
And it was embarrassing for him sometimes because
People would yell at him to help them
And he’d be a little embarrassed because of the masturbating thing
Especially if he couldn’t run behind a tree or kneel down behind a big couch
And he hated when it was a false alarm, that was always tough
But he had a good heart and he liked kids

I saw her and knew I had to meet her
Once she met me she would love me
And we'd be together forever and ever and ever and ever
She was pulling out in her car
I'd just bump her car a little, enough that' she would stop
This was my chance, I had been waiting for hours
I hit the gas
I guess I was a little too excited
The impact was more than I expected
I got out and started laughing quite loud
I was walking towards her door
‘That was a little bump wasn’t it?’
‘No big deal, I’m really sorry, I can cover everything?’
I sounded so confident, so in control, so cool
Then I looked in her car window
Her face obviously smashed pretty hard against the steering wheel
And I could smell burning coffee
She looked up at me
Her face was melting with first degree burns from a coffee she must have been drinking
She started to scream
A horrid disfigured mouth emitting this awful sound like an animal just before it dies
I ran back to my car and drove away
She was in no condition to remember anything about me
Forget about coffee face, she’s history
I saw my new love today
She rides her bike everyday
I’ll just bump her with the car
Nothing serious, just a tap
And we’ll be together for ever and ever and ever
Life really is grand some times

Everyone is saying ‘bring the troops home’
I disagree
If we bring them home they’ll start shooting people here
Leave them over there shooting at people
Then we’ll be safe
Shoot all those people who are different than us
That’s why we sent them in the first place

Idea for a short film
The long shot from camera one is of the outside of a high end cigar shop
Parked in front of the shop
Are a Mercedes sports car, a Hummer and a BMW Suv
Camera pans in
3 men sit on chairs smoking cigars
Kent Deacon is a large man but fit with a flat top buzz cut
Darren Jones has long hair, a little too long for his age and likes gold chains
Tony Spackola is heavy, and hairy and has a pencil moutstache, he sweats a lot
All the men seem to be enjoying their cigars
Kent puffs on his ‘Sandinista’ made fresh, from Cuba
They begin to talk
Kent: You guys ever have trouble with your pubic hair designs?
Darren: I gave up on it long ago, had a Brazilian and I’m done with it
Tony: Every day Kent, I struggle to find the time to work on it
Kent: I just don’t like going to the shop to have it done. I like to do it myself
I’ve shaved a beautiful heart but it took most of the morning and the kids were pounding on the bathroom door yelling at me to hurry up ..we were late for soccer but I think it looks great!
The men continue to smoke and watch people pass by.
Darren: Yesterday I found a condom in my son’s Randy’s wallet.
Tony: No kiddin, what did you do?
Darren: Took my 6 iron to him and gave him a good beating. No son of mine uses a condom. When I went into the Amazon I didn’t wear a rubber suit. You go in with what you can carry, you don’t need the Berlin Wall between you Mother Nature . I’m going to have to toughen him up…
Kent: Send him to work in a coal mine in north China. That’s what I did with Chet when he told me he wanted to take Spanish Guitar lessons.
The men continue to smoke, and watch people pass by
A man goes by on a uni cycle juggling live puppies
The men say nothing and continue to smoke
Tony: Yesterday Jan and kids went to visit her mother in the hospice and I had a skinny dip in the pool. When I got out, I saw our gardener Mr Chu looking at me. I felt something stir in me I hadn’t felt in years, and I just went over to him and we got it on. Me and Mr Chu on the back lawn.
Kent: You go tiger, you go.
Darren: Cheaper than going all the way to Asia Tony
They all laugh and continue to smoke
Across the road they watch as a man throws himself into the traffic
He is bounced around under a truck before finally being crushed
The men say nothing and continue to smoke
Finally Darren says
I’d like to see that heart shape design Kent
Kent: (putting out his cigar and stands up and removes his pants)
Tony/Darren: Whoa….cool…good workmanship….
And then a small compact American car passes and suddenly swerves onto the sidewalk between the Hummer and BMW…..Kent is first to see it and it’s hard for him to dodge out of the way because his pants are around his ankles. The men don’t realize that the car is driven by an extremist and it explodes and blows up half the city block.
Last scene:
The funeral for the men
The families are all crying when the three cigar shaped caskets are dropped into the graves.
But no one cries as hard as Mr Chu who is standing at the back of the mourners
Fade out to Bee Gees music and then credits roll

I heard the news that Michael Jackson had died
I knew I had to get to Klaus’s house
But I was too late
I rushed into his room
Billy Jean was blasting on the stereo
The TV was on
Images of Michael flicked across the screen
Klaus was sitting on his knees and had his back to me
He didn’t know I was there
I screamed out
He turned
There was blood everywhere
In his hand was a box cutter knife
Klaus had tried to shape his nose and chin
Just like Michaels
He had look of pain and despair on his face
I stood and looked at him for a moment
And then thought it best for me to leave
Klaus had some inner demons he needed to work out
I closed the front door of his house
And made sure no one was looking
And I reached down and adjusted the straps on the bathing suit I was wearing
Under my regular clothes
It was a vintage Farah Fawcett suit from her famous poster
I had put it on immediately upon hearing of her death
I’ll wear if for a month or two and mourn privately
Klaus?
I check in on him next week……he’ll be okay
Just as long Billy Ocean doesn’t suddenly die
Then there will be big trouble

I opened my own show at the art gallery down the street
It was my first such venture
It was a variety of charcoal sketches of my genitals
I had sketched myself over the harsh winter months
The show is called ‘Genital Moods’
Nobody came on the first day
Except my gay neighbor Ted
Ted hung out every day and all day
Klaus said that more people would have come
If I had films of him and his genitals
I told him this was art and not porn
He left in a huff
The police were going to shut us down for indecency
On the last day all my paintings sold
To Ted the gay neighbour
I think I may have to move
Ted made a sweater vest with my pictures
And he stands outside my apartment a lot
I’m worried my next show
Featuring water paints of me bathing pilgrim style
Might take Ted over the edge……

Seeing a new mother and her child is a beautiful scene
Seeing the love in her eyes
Seeing how much she cares
See the tender care she takes when touching her child
And then you get closer
And you smell child vomit
And see the little stains of the vomit on the mother’s blouse and skirt
And you smell diaper smells
And the baby has a runny nose
And a little bit of that baby acne
So really it’s not a pretty scene at all
It makes you wonder why we have children at all
Then I remembered how we make them
And then the mother screamed at me to back off and stop staring
And to stop trying to stroke her hair
Note to self:
Stay away from new mothers
They are wacky and unpredictable

I was sitting alone at the bar

Nursing my drink so I could sit longer and fill time

Before I’d go home and cry myself to sleep

This guy sat down beside me

He ordered a drink with a fancy name

He’s cool, got it together

His phone rings

He reaches into his nice coat and pulls it out

‘Doctor Smith here’

He’s a doctor, of course, I’m an out of work seasonal worker, he’s a doctor

I hate him so much already that it hurts

‘Okay don’t panic Nurse Willson….we’ll get through this ..is the patient responding?’

It’s obviously a dicey situation and he’s so calm and cool

‘Listen, I have to go to my car and get the file..I need to see his file ..if I give you the wrong information….he could die..hold just for a minute I’ll be back’

He puts his phone down and runs out of the bar

I stare at his phone….

My mom always wanted me to be a doctor

I pick it up

It’s a nice phone

I cleared my throat

‘Nurse Willson?’

I say full of confidence

‘I’m back, okay listen carefully…open his chest cavity and immediately begin to aggressively massage the heart’

Nurse Willson is obviously a little startled

‘Just do it Nurse Willson’ I yell… ‘I’m the doctor and you follow my orders!!’

She asks a question about the patients’ leg

‘Nurse Willson, listen carefully. If you want your job, you do as I say, crack open his chest!..’

I looked at the door of the bar..nothing

‘massage his heart or he’ll lose the leg…I’ll be there in five minutes’

‘And Nurse Willson, know that I love to drink patients urine, it’s so tasty…..

see you in five’

I ended the call…put the phone back down and left the bar

I’ll call my mom when I get home and tell her that I’ve been thinking

Thinking about maybe finally getting into medicine

She’ll be so happy for me

Klaus had an idea

He wanted to pitch a new tv series

We went for a meeting

He told them his idea

He wanted to get some jockeys

And release them into the wilds of Alaska

In Grizzly country

And it would all be filmed

I think they liked the idea

Until Klaus told them the kicker

Unbeknownst to the Jockeys

They’d be wearing pants made of meat

And their little boots would be soaked in gravy for days

Before they put them on

Klaus thought this would quicken the interaction scenes

Between little men and big bears

They didn’t like the ‘kicker’

So we left

Klaus was mad

He packed up his 1977 Pacer with film equipment, gear and meat

And headed for Alaska

He was never seen again

I was walking down the street

And there he was

The homeless guy

It got me to thinking

Thinking that the world is a tough place

So many people don’t have what others have

So many people are struggling just to make ends meet

Then I got a little side tracked

So many flavors of smoothies to choose from at the mall

And I was thirsty

When I was having my kiwi/strawberry/mango smoothie in the food court

I started thinking again

So many people take their lives for granted

They have never suffered

And then I noticed someone had left their wallet on a chair

I took the cash out and threw the wallet in the garbage

And walked around the mall thinking again

So many people don’t have malls to walk around in

They can’t buy all the cool stuff that malls have

Then I saw a cool pair of shoes

I didn’t want to use up my cash

So I went back to the garbage and took a credit card out of the wallet

And bought the shoes on the card

And as I walked around the mall scoping for babes in my new shoes

I thought about the people in the world who don’t have nice shoes

And babes to scope

Walking out of the mall a kid passed on a skateboard

He gave me his board when I threatened him with a screwdriver

And on my way home I started realizing that little things can make a difference

People can help

So I gave the skateboard to the homeless guy

I felt so good

I helped him up on it and he started down the road

He lost control and veered out onto the street and was hit by a delivery van

I could have stayed and helped him out

But Klaus and I had meeting with a guy who sells guns

So I ran over and took the skateboard back

The homeless guy wouldn’t be needing it

He looked pretty banged up

And I headed off to meet Klaus

What a nice sunny day

I joined the debating club at school

Our first debate was about Globalization and Third World Debt

When it was my turn to debate I began pantomiming my ideas

It didn’t go over well with the chair of the debate

She told me to start talking or leave the debate

I pantomimed loading and aiming a slingshot at her

She said I was spoiling the whole debate for everybody

I pantomimed a good cry

She got really flustered

And finally she got up and left

I turned to my fellow debaters and bowed

And then I pulled myself out of the room on an invisible rope

Next morning in first class I got called down to the office

I didn’t go

They called me again during second period

I didn’t go

I knew eventually they’d come to get me

I was ready with my electric chair pantomime

I always wanted to be a sniper

Sneaking around

Nobody knows I’m there

I’m trained to kill

I’m a man of mystery

A girl in every city

Mr cool sniperman

That would be me

And I’d always wear no pants when I was shooting

That would be my trademark

But now that I’ve been thinking about it

No one would know that I had no pants as I’m always alone

I’ll have to get a sidekick

He (or she..that would be uncomfortable!) would spread the word around

Yeah, Mr Coolsniperman who takes his pants off before he shoots

I’ll just have to get more comfortable with outdoor nudity

I took myself out to dinner

Then I went home

And gave myself the date rape drug

And then undressed myself in an inappropriate manner

Before I passed out

I woke up naked and disorientated the next morning

I called the police

They came over and questioned me

When I finished the telling the details

The cops told me I was a complete idiot

And to stop wasting their time

They left

But not before I put a ‘kick me’ sign on one of their backs

I watched out my window as they walked to their car

The one cop suddenly kicked the other in the arse

The other cop turned angrily

They began to argue

Both pulled out their guns and they shot at each other

Both fell to the ground, mortally wounded

I thought of calling the cops but that would have been redundant

So I lay down and started to cry

Wondering how the sequence of the events over the last 12 hours

Had led to me becoming the victim

My friend Klaus was going on and on yesterday
He said he wanted to die in his car looking out at the ocean
He said that would be the best way to go
So we drove down to the water
And I shot him
I know you think that's a bit extreme
But Klaus is like my third or fourth best friend
So don't worry about me
I've still got some guys to hang out with

Some people say that men don't think with their brains
But with their penis's
I disagree
If men thought with their penis's
They would always be pulling their trousers down when asked a question
I think it would be inappropriate if my mother in law asked me;
'could you count the change on the counter over there?'
And I removed my pants to let my penis calculate the amount
So that really negates the theory
Although.. if you asked me to count the number of cheerleaders
playing in the swimming pool...
My theory could back fire.......

I came upon the accident

Two cars, badly damaged

I stopped my car and walked back to the scene

No one was conscious

One body was splayed out on the roadside

I noticed the shoes

They were cool and way expensive

I looked around, the road was deserted

I took my shoe off and measured it to the cool shoe

It looked the same size

I pulled the shoe off and put it on my foot

It fit so comfortably

I put the other one on and then put my shoes on the feet

I ran back and forth quickly

My shoes squeaking on the pavement

I love that sound

They were perfect shoes for me

I then noticed another body sticking out the windshield

He had a nice shirt on

It looked like it might fit me

I did the switch

There was a little blood on the sleeve but nothing really noticeable

I looked in the back of the car that was upside down

One guy had the coolest pants, I liked them

It was tough to do the switch because he was wedged between the seats

But I did it

I stood and walked around; I think I was looking pretty good

I heard sirens; the police arrived, lights flashing

‘Hey’ I said, ‘ I just came upon the scene, it doesn’t look good’

The cops started looking around

One came up to me, a female cop

‘It’s bad, no survivors…nice shirt and I like those shoes’ she said

She looked me up and down ‘I like the look’…

‘Thanks officer, I like your outfit too’

She smiled, crooked tiny teeth

I gave the cop my personal details, she gave me hers

And I walked back to my car and drove off

I felt good

I’d just have to find another accident before our date

So I’m not wearing the same clothes as tonight

Sometimes it’s just good to take off all your clothes

Dance around and howl at the moon

Really let it all out

You really should pick at good time to do it

Most likely a private time

Not at a funeral

Or a wedding

It tends to take away the attention

Of the people who should really be getting the attention

And also, it’s amazing how people are quick to press charges

When they see a stranger’s penis at a private ceremony

They say a parent

Can’t help but sneak in at night watch their children sleep

I agree

But the other night when I was standing over my son’s bed

Watching him sleep

His wife woke up and started screaming

Then he woke up and started yelling at me too

Then they asked how I got in

And I said that they should lock the second floor bathroom window

And they were lucky it was me who climbed in

And not Charles Manson

I then drove the 3 hours to get home

I haven’t heard from my son in a couple of weeks

It’s okay, I’m off to my daughters place tonight

I just hope she hasn’t changed the locks on third floor fire escape door

Or bought that German Shepard guard dog

That she said she would if I ever come over without calling first

I entered the Iditarod

It was a hasty decision but I entered

I arrived in Alaska with my team of dogs

And a plan

To win it all

On the first night it was really cold

And it was really dark

And lonely on the trail

And I panicked a little

I stopped

And ate all my dogs

After I ate the first one

I just figured I might as well continue

By dawn I was done

When the officials found out

They disqualified me

They were quite upset

So were the animal rights people

And they sent me packing

I’m on my way home now

I was thinking

My neighbor has a poodle

I’ve never tasted poodle

After the stress of those angry dog loving people

Screaming at me and trying to kill me

I’ll have something to look forward to now

I’m a spare on my high school swim team

I’m not a good swimmer but my dad makes me stay on the team

He says he’ll take the skin off my legs if I don’t stay with it

I feel neglected as the last member of the team

At the state finals our top swimmer was 10 lengths ahead

In his 200 meter swim

If he had won the race our team was going to be state champs

Our coach was walking up and down at poolside yelling and giving

Encouragement to Tad Williams, our human fish,

who was on his way to another victory

Our coach is pretty intense

I thought it would be fun if I twirled up my wet towel

and

Snapped it on the coaches ass

Unfortunately I snapped the towel too wildly

and hit Coach in the back of the head

He fell into the pool

Our team was disqualified from the meet

I’m on suspension.

But I’m not really angry or discouraged

I’m just more determined than ever to get back on the team next year

And next year I won’t snap a towel, I’ll go to tryouts in my mom’s bathing suit

I so wanted to impress my boss

If he just knew me better I’d get a promotion

I wanted him to know that I cared

Then my chance came

His twin brother died

The funeral was Saturday

I’d be there

I arrived quietly

Greeted a few people

Let a few fake tears fall

It was an open casket

I waited for my chance

I leaped at the casket screaming

‘Oh Bobby how could you have died….you’re too young’

I was weeping and tugging at his limp body

‘You can’t be dead, it’s just not possible’

And I started trying to get the body out of the casket

‘Come on Bobby, hold me and dance a little’

I was dragging him around

My boss would certainly know me now

He would be impressed at my dedication to his loss

Someone grabbed me, choked me actually

Which I thought was little heavy handed

It’s not like I was going to hurt Bobby

They pulled me to the back of the room

Everything quieted down and they returned Bobby to the coffin

I told them I was okay and settled

I noticed my boss looking at me

That was a good sign

Just as everything quieted again

I jumped up

Ran to the coffin

Threw an older woman down as she was in my way

I found out later it was his grandmother

And I started again

I screamed

‘Bobby..you can’t be dead’

I pulled the coffin off its stand

It fell on me with a loud crash

Once again I thought I was roughed up more than necessary

I was finally escorted out of the funeral home

I was fired on Monday

And then I realized my mistake

His name was Robbie

Not Bobby

No wonder they got so upset

I’ve always been a weak when it comes to details

I was driving behind a car

It had a bumper sticker

The sticker said

Jesus Love’s Me

I accelerated and smashed hard into the back of the car

The car lurch forward and then slipped off the side of the road

And fell down into the canyon below

I’m just guessing

But from the outcome of this little incident

I think he loves me more

I buried my friend today

A life cut short

A tragedy

I just wish he hadn’t yelled and struggled so much

When I was shoveling the dirt back into the hole

Because I didn’t want the neighbors to hear

I guess things started going downhill when my father was caught having sex with the mall Santa

You can live with fact the he got caught

But it’s hard to live with the fact

that I have one of those little Santa pictures that everyone has

Only mine has my father on Santa’s knee and he’s naked

And Santa looks very drunk and evil

The whole thing use to really scare us

Then we found out that Dad had syphilis

Now it’s just a big family joke

And we laugh every Christmas when we get the picture out

It was the coldest day of the year

The cemetery was empty except for the 15 clowns dressed in full costume

They were gathered around an open grave

Jud Dickson aka Zippo had passed away

His flaming body surprising the 20 five year olds at the party

Zippo had always loved his fire tricks but this time he screwed up

Being a clown isn’t always funny

The clowns around the grave all knew that

That’s why they all stared down at the casket in silence

Finally Charlie Doon aka Bouncy raised his giant banana yellow hand and said

‘I’m outa here boys, it’s too damn cold’

He clumsily turned; his giant sea blue shoes had frozen to the ground

Dave Judkins aka Mr Binkles spoke

‘There’s nothing to be done here boys, let’s ride’

Several crazy shaped balloon animals were thrown on the casket

Along with some colored confetti ,a few red noses and a slinky

The 15 clowns walked back to the 15 brightly painted Volkswagen Beatles

Jason Tooks aka Mr. Tappy threw his cigarette out the window of his car

and it began

They all started driving madly around the cemetery, knocking down gravestones and ripping up flower beds and shrubbery, horns blaring, music blasting

When a Clown goes down it’s hard

When it was over the 15 Beatles pulled out onto the road and drove off

into the cold night

Over the next few days several people were assaulted and abused and claimed

That it had been clowns who battered them

Several obscene balloon animals with large sexual organs were found scattered around children play grounds and seniors homes

Several fires were lit and clowns were spotted leaving the scene

Then it was quiet….the clowns were done….

My skates hit the ice

It was my first time

She said I should try it

She?

My new love

We’ve been together for three days

It’s been a whirlwind of passion and romance

We’ve ridden the whole roller coaster of love in 3 days

She sultry, she’s dangerous, she as crazy as a hungry sea otter at a wedding

One minute we’re giggling and running naked thru the meat packing plant

The next she’s screaming and beating me around the neck and head with a belt

I somehow loved it all

She wanted me to try skating

She wanted to watch me

I was a little nervous and my skates were a little loose

I was unsteady and I fell

It was a bad fall

My face hit the ice full on

I heard my nose break and felt many of front teeth shatter

But I wasn’t going to stop

Stenchka wanted to see me skate, and skate I would

I was bleeding quite a lot

I struggled up and started again

Two strides later I fell

Backwards this time

I felt my skull split when it slapped the ice

More blood, some dizziness

I may have been unconscious for a moment, I’m not sure

I looked back at Stenchka

She was smiling

Watching me with her dead puppet eyes

Where she was from I didn’t know

She didn’t talk a lot

Maybe from the Middle East, maybe from Eastern Europe

God I loved her

People were screaming and pulling their children off the ice

There was a lot of blood

I kept trying…just one lap

I fell again

My arm was twisted behind my back when I went down

It broke and I felt the bone break thru the skin

I cried out

I focused hard and waved to Stenchka

She mouthed the words

‘Skate my love, skate’

I stood one last time

I was hardly aware of where I was or who I was

I just wanted to skate for Stenchka

I must have fallen again, as my leg is in a cast now

My jaw has been wired shut, and I have metal pins in my arm

I never saw her again

As quick as she appeared in my life

She disappeared

But I’ll remember her

Her crazy laugh that sounded like a blender just before it breaks down

Her lighting quick temper and her tiny paw like hands

I just wish I hadn’t tattooed Stenchka on my neck

I think that may have been a bit premature

When our family vacationed to the Caribbean recently
I developed an interesting game
I realized that I could submerge myself and stand motionless for hours
Only my nose, eyes and forehead above the water
I would wait patiently until an Albatross flew over me
And then I would jump up and bring it down
Shake it a few times and then walk out of the water
and throw the lifeless body on a deck chair
Later I could do the same with porpoises as they swam by
Needless to say my family doesn’t vacation much in the Caribbean anymore
I’m pretty much blacklisted at most resorts
We’re going to Africa this summer
I’m excited about the possibilities

They say if a guy has big feet
He must have a big penis
I think that if a guy has little feet
He must have a little, but eager penis
That eagerness makes up for not being as large
As for me?
Due to a strange medical oddity
I have one foot size 13
And the other size 6
So you think about that
And call me…I’m always by my phone

The elevator came to a halt

We all stood in silence

I made my move

‘Okay, let’s not panic’

I spoke clearly and loudly

I wanted to be leader here

To be understood

‘We’re going to have to make decisions and make them quickly’

I loosened my tie and pulled it up around my head making a headband

I pulled out my pocket knife and cut my casual slacks into shorts

‘Listen up, over there will be the latrine, over there will be our sleeping area’

I was moving about the elevator, I was cooking, I was at maximum volume

A man on a mission

‘Cowboy’ I said pointing to a young handsome man

I nicked named him ‘Cowboy’ because I wanted to give everyone a nickname

It sounds cool and leaders always give people nicknames

My nickname at school was ‘Feces’ but that’s another story

‘Stand over there and check the food situation’

‘Oprah, see if you can round up things for a shelter’

Oprah was an older lady who looked like she had had weight issues all her life

‘And you, Madonna, we need to talk’

She was beautiful, yet strong, yet subtle, yet dangerous

I stood and looked her straight in the eye

I was only going to get one shot at this

‘It’s our responsibility to ensure the human race continues’

She held my stare

‘We don’t have time to get to know each other…we must procreate now so our children can tell the others the story, they’ll need hero’s in the new world’

Her lips were so full and her hair smelled of freshly cut watermelon

‘Everyone else, look away, Madonna and I have to do this before we’re too weak’

I ripped off my shirt, closed my eyes and leaned forward to kiss her

The mace was warm on my face when it hit but I opened my eyes in surprise which I shouldn’t have done

The burning was intense

I fell to my knees screaming

Suddenly the elevator started moving

The doors opened and my fellow captives quickly left

I was still in agony on the floor

Later, after being questioned by buildings security staff

I thought about what I had done

Was I proud of myself?

Did I do the right thing?

Those questions are too difficult for me to answer

So I went home and drank myself unconscious with some liquid plant food

I wanted to end it all

The pain, the humiliation

The desperation that haunts me everyday

I ran out on the street

Unfortunately I threw myself in front of a SmartCar

Both the driver and passenger were killed instantly

I walked away and then went and had lunch at the mall

I then caught a movie and went home late

The area was taped off and the police were still on site

I got ready for bed but had a bath first because my back hurt a little

Tomorrow I’ll try again….

‘OH YES’ I said enthusiastically at my interview in response to the question about accepting responsibility
‘Certainly’ I almost shouted when asked about being trusted
‘Most certainly, absolutely’ I happily chirped when asked about my ability to work on the occasional weekend
‘You bet’ I cried out almost jumping from my chair when they asked me if I could start immediately
‘What, say again? I asked when they asked me if I had served any prison time
‘It was long time ago’ I said assertively and with confidence
‘OH it was nothing really’ I said beginning to perspire
‘What I mean is that it was during my drug phase’ I said before I knew I had said it
‘I could tell you what I did, yes…but it’s really not necessary’ I said rubbing my hands along the edge of my new suit trousers that now seemed very itchy
‘Really it’s not relevant, it was long time ago’ I said sipping my glass of water and spilling some down my chin and onto my new tie, the embroidered flock of pelicans taking no notice.
‘Oh come on’ I said trying to control the tone of my voice
‘Alright..you have to understand it was accident and remember I was under the influence of drugs and alcohol because I’d just told my step mother that my uncle had molested me when I was a kid’ I said now really not sure of myself and where the interview was headed
‘The weasel brothel owner said I’s was 20 bucks short and he put a couple of his stoolies onto me and I kicked one of them unconscious and stuck one with a rusty knife’ I said realising I had gotten up and showed them my kick and how I’d swung my hand up in a mock knife thrust…I put my hand down and sat quickly….. I don’t think they really noticed the anger in my eyes..I’s got a bit of a temper…
‘But that’s all behind me now’ I said as I noticed two of the interviewers closing their folders, I guess they didn’t get all that upset about the brothel incident like I thought they’s would
‘Ok you’ll call me….when will you’s call me?’ I said as they led me out the door, my new shoes were squeaking when I walked..the guy shook my hand and smiled and said they’d be talking to me soon
Outside in the sun I loosened my tie and lit up a smoke… ‘got that one in the bag’ I thought to myself and I walked towards the centre of the city and back to my mates at the bar………………..